Olivia Madilynn's Story
Before we even found out Olivia was a girl, she got to travel to a bunch of different things. She took a trip to Oklahoma (it was hot - very hot and I was so sick from the heat and morning sickness), she went to a parade, a fair, a White Sox Game and Medieval Times.
Team BoyTeam Girl |
We found out I was pregnant with Olivia in June of 2011 after being married for almost 6 years. I felt really sick and didn't want to eat anything so I took a test and there was a solid line and a faint line. I told my husband and he didn't believe it so we went to the store for a digital test. Came home, took the test and it said yes. I was so excited because I had been wanting to get pregnant for awhile but we weren't trying. We went to the doctors that following weekend and told family right away. It was Father's Day weekend when we found out.
We told my husband's sister and her husband first. We asked them to lunch and told them there was something we needed to talk to them about. I made this shirt that said Due February 2012 and had a zip up hoodie over it. I asked my sister-n-law to take a picture of us and took the hoodie off. She was so surprised that she almost dropped the camera. For Father's Day we surprised both of our dad's by telling them the news. We told my husband's Dad by telling him we got a present that he hasn't ever had. My dad lives out of state so I called him and asked him if him and my mom could come visit us in February. He kept going on and on about how he should be able to come but not sure if my mom could get off work. Finally he asked why and I told him so he could come meet his grandchild and he kept saying grandchild, grandchild and then I heard my mom yell She's Pregnant! On Olivia's Daddy's birthday, we found out that we were having a girl. I really wanted a girl. We had a Gender Reveal Party all planned out for the weekend. It was probably one of the best parties I have ever planned and I was so excited for all the details of it. Most of the food was purchased but I love making cupcakes so I made them and dyed the inside of the cupcakes pink so that when everyone bit into them, they would see the color. We had chicken strips, mini sandwiches, lemonade, punch and apple cider donuts.
We had a thumbprint tree for everyone to leave their color they thought the baby was. |
In October, I started making things for Olivia's room and started preparing for the baby shower's that were planned for the following month.
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My aunt helped me to put together a Gender Reveal for my parents and grandma out of state. I ordered a cake from Wal-Mart and had them put pink icing inside the cake.
In the beginning of November, my sister-n-law through us an over the top Carnival themed baby shower. Talk about details.....she thought of them all. I almost thought I was at a carnival and everyone was bringing me all the delicious foods from it. We even had a fun photo booth.
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When I was pregnant with Olivia, I felt so radiant. I had this beautiful glow and I felt beautiful. I never felt big and uncomfortable. I was just so happy to be pregnant. Not to say that I didn't have the aches and pains and complete exhaustion that comes with pregnancy. Because to be honest, being pregnant completely wiped me out. In the first trimester I felt so sick and so tired but once I hit the second trimester and it was like a burst of energy.
The second weekend in November, I flew to Oklahoma for a cousin's wedding and for a baby shower my sister's were throwing me. My baby showers were early because of the holidays and being due in February. You never know what kind of weather you will have around Chicago. I remember I was worried about having a lot of snow when I went in to labor and that I wouldn't make it to the hospital in time. Oh the things we worry about when we are pregnant and how naive we are to what can really happen in pregnancy. |
My baby shower in Oklahoma was 10 days before we found out we lost Olivia. Who would have known that our life was about to change. Before I left on this trip, I didn't think that I could feel her kick but I was really stressed out so I thought I was just over exaggerating. It was my first pregnancy and I didn't really know what to expect. My OB was not much help.
On the morning of November 22, 2011, I was at work and started spotting. I had a bad feeling and just didn't feel right. I called my OB's office and explained to them what was going on. The nurses said they would talk to the doctor and call me back. I left work for lunch and the nurse from my OB's office called and told me to go check in at Labor & Delivery now. My husband was home for lunch so I drove home and picked him up. We stopped at McDonald's and grabbed food on our way and sat outside the hospital. I remember thinking that it was going to be a long time before I was able to eat again. It was around 1:00pm.
We went in to the hospital and the nurses had me change in to a gown and came to check the heart beat. She then said that the machine wasn't working so she left to get another one. In the same room as us was another pregnant mom and her younger son. I remember hearing her tell him to be quiet. The nurse brought in the other machine and again said it wasn't working. By then I knew. Then the Fetal Specialist came in and did an ultrasound. He told us that we had lost our baby and that we had lost her 2 weeks prior. He told us they would get me set up in a room and get me started for delivery.
I don't remember much after that. Most of it was a blur. I got moved to a room by myself and they brought in the bereavement packet because we needed to pick a funeral home. A funeral home? We aren't supposed to be picking out a funeral home. We should have been home picking out paint colors for her nursery. But instead, I was being prepped to give birth to a dead baby. The baby girl I had longed for. I was given morphine to help me relax and I ended up sleeping most the night. My sister-n-law and father-n-law stopped by the hospital to sit with us. I had horrible doctors, doctors that gave me an attitude like that was what I needed. My doctor was barely around. I had amazing nurses though. Around 2am on November 23rd, I told the nurses that I was having pain and a pressure feeling and they asked what it felt like and I told them that I needed to push. At 2:13am she was born STILL. I was taken to have a D&C to have to placenta removed. I was 27 weeks pregnant.....pregnant no longer. I just became a baby loss mom.
When I woke later that morning, I held Olivia for a little while and we took a few pictures. Honestly I could barely look at her. I felt so guilty. I felt like my body let her down. I was her mom and I was supposed to protect her and I let her down. Around 10am, I left the hospital and went home. Went home without a baby. All I had was a blanket, some photos and a bereavement packet. Now we had to go make funeral arrangements. It was the day before Thanksgiving and her funeral was held on Black Friday. When we went home, I started preparing for Thanksgiving. I cleaned my house and cooked dinner since my family would be arriving from Oklahoma. It's not what I should have been doing but it's what I did. It kept my mind busy.
There was no big funeral for her, there was one set of flowers from her aunt and uncle, and there were no memories to share. I became very spiritual through losing her. I always believed in hauntings and ghost but I started believing in the spirit world in a whole new way. I started feeling my daughter around me. I knew she was here with us. Our dog Socks I always considered her dog because he always cuddled with my pregnant belly and after we lost her he would start acting weird or acting like someone wouldn't let him in our bedroom. At times it was like someone was chasing him. Socks found it annoying. I found it comforting. From then on I wanted to do things in her memory and wanted to always feel her with me no matter what form it was in.
It wasn't until recently that I have decided to use her loss as a way to help other women through their own losses.
An Angel in the book of Life wrote down my baby's birth. Then whispered as she closed the book and whispered "Too Beautiful for Earth."
On the morning of November 22, 2011, I was at work and started spotting. I had a bad feeling and just didn't feel right. I called my OB's office and explained to them what was going on. The nurses said they would talk to the doctor and call me back. I left work for lunch and the nurse from my OB's office called and told me to go check in at Labor & Delivery now. My husband was home for lunch so I drove home and picked him up. We stopped at McDonald's and grabbed food on our way and sat outside the hospital. I remember thinking that it was going to be a long time before I was able to eat again. It was around 1:00pm.
We went in to the hospital and the nurses had me change in to a gown and came to check the heart beat. She then said that the machine wasn't working so she left to get another one. In the same room as us was another pregnant mom and her younger son. I remember hearing her tell him to be quiet. The nurse brought in the other machine and again said it wasn't working. By then I knew. Then the Fetal Specialist came in and did an ultrasound. He told us that we had lost our baby and that we had lost her 2 weeks prior. He told us they would get me set up in a room and get me started for delivery.
I don't remember much after that. Most of it was a blur. I got moved to a room by myself and they brought in the bereavement packet because we needed to pick a funeral home. A funeral home? We aren't supposed to be picking out a funeral home. We should have been home picking out paint colors for her nursery. But instead, I was being prepped to give birth to a dead baby. The baby girl I had longed for. I was given morphine to help me relax and I ended up sleeping most the night. My sister-n-law and father-n-law stopped by the hospital to sit with us. I had horrible doctors, doctors that gave me an attitude like that was what I needed. My doctor was barely around. I had amazing nurses though. Around 2am on November 23rd, I told the nurses that I was having pain and a pressure feeling and they asked what it felt like and I told them that I needed to push. At 2:13am she was born STILL. I was taken to have a D&C to have to placenta removed. I was 27 weeks pregnant.....pregnant no longer. I just became a baby loss mom.
When I woke later that morning, I held Olivia for a little while and we took a few pictures. Honestly I could barely look at her. I felt so guilty. I felt like my body let her down. I was her mom and I was supposed to protect her and I let her down. Around 10am, I left the hospital and went home. Went home without a baby. All I had was a blanket, some photos and a bereavement packet. Now we had to go make funeral arrangements. It was the day before Thanksgiving and her funeral was held on Black Friday. When we went home, I started preparing for Thanksgiving. I cleaned my house and cooked dinner since my family would be arriving from Oklahoma. It's not what I should have been doing but it's what I did. It kept my mind busy.
There was no big funeral for her, there was one set of flowers from her aunt and uncle, and there were no memories to share. I became very spiritual through losing her. I always believed in hauntings and ghost but I started believing in the spirit world in a whole new way. I started feeling my daughter around me. I knew she was here with us. Our dog Socks I always considered her dog because he always cuddled with my pregnant belly and after we lost her he would start acting weird or acting like someone wouldn't let him in our bedroom. At times it was like someone was chasing him. Socks found it annoying. I found it comforting. From then on I wanted to do things in her memory and wanted to always feel her with me no matter what form it was in.
It wasn't until recently that I have decided to use her loss as a way to help other women through their own losses.
An Angel in the book of Life wrote down my baby's birth. Then whispered as she closed the book and whispered "Too Beautiful for Earth."